Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
