guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
don't judge my taste in strippers
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
