At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
