today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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