I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
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I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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