so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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