I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
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I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
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No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN