I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The struggles of a small town man whore
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.