life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
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Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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