how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
