I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
