He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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