i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
