I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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