the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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