There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
