this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
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You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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