GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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