i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
