I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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