My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
