my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
