My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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