Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
