so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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