Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
organizing the empties. That sober.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
