the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
