I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
