after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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