Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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