Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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