At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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