Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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