My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
did i just pee glitter
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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