He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
