My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
