he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
