My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Randomize
