omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
