Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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