Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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