she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
