The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
This baby is an asshole
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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