I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
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She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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