Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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