Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
You smell like stripper and shame
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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