Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Randomize
