We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
