My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
