so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
