I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
