I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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