I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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