Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
