there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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