I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
