We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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