hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
